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Monday, Nov. 01, 2004 - 11:04 am

I gave myself a gift for samhain, which I realize isn't the way it's supposed to work, but I'm sure the universe understands. This time of year we are bombarded by scary specials, horror movie marathons and 'top 100 scariest' countdowns. This is only one of the many reasons why the month of October is the coolest month ever and the biggest happy-on I get all year, and this time was no different. Among the best was Bravo's' '100 Scariest Movie Moments', which actually should have been 'scariest movies', since the highlighted the whole film rather than focusing on individual scenes. It was five hours of movie clips, interviews with artists like Stephen King, John Carpenter and Tom Savini (ALL WILL BOW!!), and one really cute guy whose name I don't remember but I know he does special effects for films and wears black and white Marilyn Manson-esque makeup (I am definitely in love...sure do wish I knew what his name was, though). The show was split up into five installments which were shown over the last several days, with a marathon last weekend, which in my infinite geekiness, I taped. And watched while I taped. And experienced an almost terminal, yet entirely blissful, mindgasm.

Yet this was not the special samhain gift, though it was most certainly a contributor.

My gift to myself was to overcome my unique phobia, the one I got from watching The Exorcist in the theater three years ago. The thing that has kept me completely unable to watch the film, which was one of my favorite movies prior to seeing it in theaters...that face (seen on this page as #57 - I think - I didn't want to close the page I'm working on and lose my entry to double-check). Because of that image I am utterly shocked to see that the film only made #3 on the list, with Jaws, holding the #1 spot. I found The Exorcist much more scary. Sharks are one of my major phobias too, they give me seriously bad dreams and all, and Jaws was indeed a wonderful film, but...really, come on.

Scarier than THAT FACE?!?!

Methinks not.

Anyway, I managed to watch the entire movie on USA. It had received more surgical attention than Britney Spears' breasts, but it still had the same impact. John's dad (aka poopface), has a copy of the one I saw in the theater on dvd, which he'll be borrowing tonight for us to watch after the babies go to bed. That's both babies, because I don't want them watching that. No way, no day. Just because I'm a wackadoo doesn't mean I want to spread it around. It's okay to let John watch it since he's sixteen years old and watches a lot of scary movies any way. Besides, he's already a wackadoo (har-har).

Five minutes later:

Looks like John won't be watching it with me, either. He declined. Dammit.

In other news...

Although I do love autumn and samhain, I do get a little melancholy when I think about not having a coven to share it with. Samhain is a major festival and there's so much to do and so much enjoyment in it. I love being a solitary and living by my own schedule and rules, but still it would be wonderful to have a coven, if just for that one day. Samhain is really the only time I feel this way. I was watching some documentaries last night with John about the origins of halloween and the ritual that was featured, which was filmed in Ireland, made me feel as if I was missing something beautiful by staying solitary. I wonder if it would be possible to find a group to celebrate the festivals and do rituals with, but not be part of a coven? I'd so much rather do it that way. Everyone would be left open to do their own thing and if someone had to move or their schedule changed because they had to switch jobs or had a baby it wouldn't be a big deal. I'm really feeling the need and the desire to connect with other pagans, but in this conservative area, how would I even find them? How do you locate pagans in a place where the community is so overwhelmingly christian that choir groups get together in the malls to perform? I love living here, but there's that one drawback; not enough pagan presence.

I prayed a bit and enjoyed the sound of owls hooting at one another in the trees in our back yard, but didn't do a ritual. By the time I got the children to bed I was so exhausted I didn't feel as if I'd be able to draw much energy, but it was a beautiful cool night and we haven't heard owls in the yard since the first night we spent in the house together after our wedding. I got a flashlight and pointed the beam out of our bathroom window trying to spot them but didn't see them. Their hooting was so musical and sweet, though. One spoke and the other would answer. It sounded like familiarity to me, like love. Another bird joined in afer awhile, not an owl but a bird with a much more piercing call, and the three of them talked for a long time. There may not be much pagan presence here, but there is definitely strong spirit energy. I feel it around us all the time and I see it in the creatures that live in the trees in our yard and in the field behind our house. I feel more centered and connected with the earth here than I ever have and I'm sure it's partly because of the huge numbers of butterflies, squirrels, birds, groundhogs and other little creatures that live here. We're not sharing our space with them - they were here long before we were. They're sharing their space with us and we are so blessed. When humans enter an area the animals usually go elsewhere, but we are literally surrounded by them and their gentle, positive energy. It makes this house feel more like home.

So although I didn't get to do a ritual I still enjoyed the day and felt the presence of goddess and god. Alone, but not, I felt safe and loved. It gets no better than that, I think.

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